Work Hard Play Hard with a new hairdo to boot!

Wow, can't believe it is almost November. I was at the grocery store last night when I smelt a familiar smell. It was Christmas! Wow...this soon.

These past couple of months have been fun, exciting, exhausting and frustrating. But then again, not everything can be good at all times.

I got a temp job working at Fred Segal for the sale. Had so much fun....
But that ended.

I had an interview for a job in Pasadena. I really want it. I am throwing this out in the universe in hopes I get it.

And I partied it up with my friend Carolann ...woohoo...How times have changed. She can still kick it...me...not so much!

Comedy club with Barbara. And been trying to hit the gym and continue on needlepointing. I am in a bit of a slump right now that I hope to get out of tomorrow. So thought I would write real quick....Get a good night sleep and hopefully start fresh tomorrow.

I hate the feeling of uneasiness. Hate it. Not sure where to turn to next, but see a change in my near future!
I have to. I am miserable right now...

Only in Los Angeles

Can a girl skinny dip with a 22 year old recording studio guy on Sunday and Lunch with a 54 year old documentary filmmaker on Wednesday!

Still hitting the gym pretty hard. Need to continue to lose some of this obnoxious weight. Went to needlepointing. Loved it! Start Class this tuesday. Went to dinner club with devin. Loved that too! Was fun and met some nice people.

Thursday had gymboree with Dr. Care and bebe drake...Then dinner with b, Dr & D. before heading back to the 'hood.

I picked up my mail and it frustrated me so bad. I got sent to collections for unpaid bills which I did not know I had. And health insurance did not cover any of that $500.00 bill. WTH? So slap in the face. I got to sort out the car and don't know how I am going to swing that. I got so mad at my mom for getting into my business. I was calling to ask questions about a check my dad sent in and she started making comments and suggestions and told me how things should be. Believe me, I know how things should be but with this insurance world...it is not! I was criticized and given suggestions and thoughts that I did not need to hear at 5AM because I did not sleep at all that night because of stress. Then she opened up my bills and called me back to tell me the collection agency is calling home. I WAS IRATE! She said she would pay them. I told her I did not want her to b/c I could not trust her. She is filled with empty promises. And then she threw the "well you always say I am 35, I can handle things myself" I hung up on her. My family is so MESSED UP! in every way possible. I don't understand them. I think they are all crazy! they think I am difficult, moody and they have to tip toe around me. But seriously they are screwed up! But I am saving that story for a book!

Secrets, lies, arrests, deaths...crazy! crazy! crazy!

Friday was a fun skype date with my boys..yen and hen! Miss those boys so much and they cut off their hair!

This weekend has been about looking for work, needlepointing and gym and pool....I have not spoken to anyone but Joe and his son. Not in the mood to reach out. Will call people tomorrow. Carrie is awesome. She invited me to a pool party today, but I was just in a funk and did not want to drive that far on a holiday weekend. So for now...I might go see what is going on in the other room...

But before..ok I am on match.com..Not sure why. But met a pianist that teaches at ucla. I think he thought we were dating before we even went out!
I agreed to go out with him but asked for a photo. He said he would send one. And me being the investigator that I am, I found one online b4 he sent it so told him no need to send pic because it does not matter, I think it would be fun to meet up with him. Which I meant. I love the piano and he writes music, so thought it would be fun! Well I was on-line after Dinner with Devin on Wed and he started instant msg me. And it creeped me out. He kept saying " that is so sweet, do you really like me?"
"You said you really like me before we met, that is so sweet." UM..no I never said that. But he would not quit with this nonsense, so the next day I said you know what I am very busy the next few weeks and things have just come up. Which was so true. with collections, and car and bit stressed out and need to focus on finding work. within min. he replied back, well when can we meet up? I then replied, not sure like I said a lot is going on...then he said.. I will take your word for this and not read into it. I took my profile off match b/c just felt like it. Got sauced and changed my profile. When I changed my profile it automatically put it back on. Unaware of this, I get an email from piano man saying" i thought you were busy"...
Can we say, block and remove profile again! Within hours, I got an email on my gmail acct ...let me copy and paste...

Subject: Nice Attitude.

"Glad I didn't meet you. You showed your true colors and are a horrible liar. Blocking me on that site was the icing of the cake.....good riddance!

Get some manners...most people from NZ are very mannered...what happened to you???"

OK..lol...I decided not to meet you. I never lied, I have a lot on my mind and I am not from New Zealand. I am a bit concerned about this guys sanity at this point. Are you kidding me?

Then 15 min later I get this email from some made up address with athletic.dude in the email name but the guy had his initials as the contact so I immediately knew it was him...OK...whatever..here is the next email I got.

"How are you?

We met on that dating site. Are you busy this weekend or could you squeeze me in for a coffee?

George"

What piano man does not know is the email address i gave him is used only to enquiry about apts on craigslist and I don't give it to anyone. I only gave it to him b/c I did not want to give him my primary email addy b/c I did not want him to know my name. So, there is no way it could be anyone else but him. Then I checked the ip address and my thoughts were confirmed. OK I am a bit spooked out. Did not reply because I think I am dealing with someone with emotional issues. I contact match and filed a complaint. I am getting off this site. Only weird ones are finding me! I am done and for now I will just make out with 22 year olds late night in the pool!

I have no idea

What I am going to do...but I got to do something. I told Joe I won't be here long. Carrie has been awesome and keeps telling me to come back over there. Barbara has offered up her place as well. But I think I am going to bounce around all over the place until I find a place of my own. I LOVE LA..have so much going on this week.

I joined equinox gym and love it! got to start working out harder...need to get my rear in shape!

Went out with Barbara sunday night...had a blast!
Carolanne invited me out Monday night...but was hungover.
errands and gym today
Lunch date and needlepoint shopping tomorrow then maybe meeting up with devin for din din...so sweet...
Friday Skype with my german boys! Miss them...then gym and pool and look for work.

Life is good...love it!

Chanel in Hawthorne!

Oh my goodness...I have finally made it to my final destination. I am on a month to month rental plan with my friend JOE! so fun and nice to see him. And he lives in Hawthorne. There are bars on my windows...so i feel safe. But I am in the hood. Met some nice neighbors tonight. Billy and adele. They were celebrating there 26th wedding anniversary.

I am so tired...so think I will try and get some rest tonight!

More about Lindsey in the hood to come...

California

I'm Here! Lovin it...hanging with Dr. Care and babe drake!
Headin to the hood 2MR where I will live and get situated!

Life works out well..Can't wait to see Joe!

The Drunk Girl

Was not me on Friday Night~ woohoo!
It was actually fun being not the "drunk girl"
There was one girl dancing at the bar at sonnenalp.
She requested a john denver song and asked me if he was still alive.
I said no he died in a plane crash.
She said..oh no..not a plane crash in the rockies like he sings about.
I did not have an answer for her.
Her husband came in from bully ranch for the second time to tell her to come back to eat.
She left...for now....

Next girl...just married...on honeymoon...asked me to move in with her and husband to be nanny.

I said...let me go to the restroom and if you are still here when I get back...we will discuss...
As I walked out..her husband was dragging her out of bar.

Me...smiling..I was in control...well for at least that night!

Changes

Each morning when you wake up it is a new fresh day. You get a clean slate and a chance to change habits you don't like.

Theme song: jamie foxx... BLAME IT ON THE ALCOHOL!
For instance, I was getting a bit sauced up lately. I am embarrassed and mortify to go into town now. I made a complete and total fool of myself. So as Maria Robinson said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

I quit going out and started hitting the gym.

Theme song: Olivia Newton John LET"S GET PHYSICAL
I am having a blast there. I love people watching and discovered if I go in the afternoon there is some good eye candy there!
Afterwards, I hit the sauna, steam room and jacuzzi. Shower up and get home to eat a salad or weight watchers meal...
Today, I took a pilates equipment class. I am a bit scared of my pain tomorrow. I have not worked out my core in a while.
But am happy to say I have lost almost 8 lbs since I left Seattle a month ago. Woohoo.
I don't feel like I have changed anything nor do I feel like I have deprived myself. Maybe it was the stress from the whole antarctica thing or me taking notice of when I am actually full and to put down the fork. I am enjoying walks by Gore Creek - listening to my ipod and singing. Yes, I think some people think I am a bit silly...but does it really matter? Made more of fool in the bars...

Theme Song: Dolly Parton Nine to Five
So, as we all know Antarctica is not happening. I am a tiny bit disappointed but a HUGE BIT relieved. I was just getting too anxious. And I hate feeling like that. So this week I started sending out resumes. Sending them to Vail, Cali, TX, and pretty much any job I see. It is such a tough market right now and one that I do not want to be in. But I am unemployed right now and must really pound the pavement. Wish me luck!

Which leads me to I am getting bored in Vail and no feedback from resumes, so time to move on. But so torn.
Like Winston Churchill said, “There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction”

Theme song: Supertramp GOODBYE STRANGER
This is my life. I have such a huge fear of commitment. How do I know Cali will be good for me. I been there and failed.
The only plus is I have some amazing friends there that have offered up a place for me to stay. But they all have their families and children and it will get old. Their friendship is more important to me than a place to stay, but I can't afford to go blind to Cali with nothing lined up. I am lonely and bored here but have a place to stay. Or do I take a chance and try Cali again. It is not necessarily going to be the same because I have changed a lot since I left LA 5-6 years ago. I am such a different person. I know what i will put up with and act accordingly. Shockingly, it still hurts a bit but at least I have self respect for myself which brings me to ....

Theme song: Donna Summer LAST DANCE
I am 35 years old, do not need to go to the bar for a last dance! I have mortified myself and have not met any quality guys. One guy....New Jersey wealth...I kinda wish I was nicer..but it is done, he never called, move on!
So we got nature boy...I finally told him no more late night calls and I have not heard from him since.
Hurts my feelings because he is a nice guy, but did I want to marry him?....NO WAY....So move on...

And.. I MOVED ON TO MATCH.COM.....um...yea...wrong move...

Met one guy whom I had fun chatting with. English Gent...oh no...but funny. We would same time back and forth about the song afternoon delight and how it sounded like an ice cream marketing plan. It was fun...until he started emailing me to see if I wanted an afternoon delight. Don't know the guy real well, so do not think those jokes were appropriate. If they were jokes, I am not sure...He asked for number...I gave it once. He lost it and I take that as a sign. Would not give it to him again.

Then I met a guy who is so cute! He gave me his company website and his number and asked that I call. I *67 the number and called. OH MY GOSH...Guy was wasted! I mean wasted. In a matter of minutes, I knew he was divorced 2xs, he gets paid $150 an hour, he is opening up a new store, he moved here for a girl, he likes lots of activities, he easily is affected with seasonal affected disorder, how much his house cost, his recent DUI, and now he drinks only at home...obviously...guy was WASTED!
I tell the guy, I saw the picture of you with your nephew (who by the way looks about 3) and your nephew is adorable. He said oh...he is older now. Oh how old is he...He is in highschool - guy tells me. So his photo is at least 10-14 years old. I kind of wanted to ask if he had a more recent one, but guy was so drunk and babbling on about himself...I could barely get a word in.
I finally mention, I must go to bed and he says I made his night. Thank you for talking and let's meet tomorrow. He asks for my number. I tried to tell him I did not know it and he finally got my cell number out of me. I was bummed but did not know what to do and who knows maybe meeting for tea would be nice. But Drunk A$$ repeated the wrong number back to me.
I did not correct him.

Sent him an email a few hours later to cancel.

Guy did not get my email so continued to email me telling me he was at the covered bridge at 11 to meet me because he tried calling and my v/m was not set up. He wanted to reschedule. I said, I would call tomorrow. And have not heard from him since.

So..what was I thinking...I don't know....so back to plan a. Continue with scrapbooking, reading daily devotionals and working my fat rear off...until next time...good night!


I am very lonely here and ready to move on. But FEARFUL of the unknown. so a few more quotes

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes (American Poet, Lecturer and Essayist, 1803-1882)


“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
Flora Whittemore quotes

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
Keri Russell quotes

Roseanne Cash “The key to change... is to let go of fear.”

The Jersey Shore!

Makes me feel a whole lot better about my drunken nights out!

Still in hiding though. For now it is Gym, steam, jacuzzi!
Bed early, Rise Early, get resumes out, and finish my scrapbook!

NO! NO! I don't know! I don't know!

No - I am not going to Antarctica! Change of Heart! Maybe next year?

No - Nature boy! You cannot call me at 1AM to see if I want you to stop by! I do not feel bad that you had to walk home 4 miles. Call a cab. There is no need to call again at 3:45AM to see if I have a change of heart. I don't! Not my problem. My feelings were really hurt that you never invited me out with your friends or just you for a drink, walk or bike ride.

I don't know! When I am leaving Vail

I don't know! What I am doing

But I am not real worried about it right now. I have got my computer and a good resume and will start sending it out.
Plus I have a great group of friends. One woohoo'd when I told her I was not going to antarctica and told me to come stay with her. Just so sweet! Offered up her pool and a bit of R n R!

So for now..laundry time...then maybe dinner time..then maybe drinks...lots and lots of drinks! who knows!

The Dungeon, Rain & Nature Boy

The place I stayed in was very nice. Comfy bed and black out curtains made it for a good night sleep! No Magpie nest there! I am in the basement...so nothing there. Heavenly! The tick of the darn clock! URGH! Thank goodness for earplugs. I have never been more annoyed with a clock than that one. But now am a firm believer of ear plugs!

Thunderstorms and Rain made it easy to stay in Jammies all day yesterday! And lounge in bed. Had a good talk with my mom and my friend mariah and guess what!

Nature boy texted me. I have told him about txt msg me. But thought I could use some company. So very frustrated with all of life right now. So he mentioned going for a beer. By the time I reached him - he changed it to meeting up. So we watched the invention of lying. Was a cute funny movie. Then we just talked. Nice, Nice Guy...But clueless! so clueless.

Oh well...

Nature Boy? Don't come knockin at 3am then ignore my calls...

OK...so go back to nature boy. The great outdoorsman! Anyway...I will admit...after our walk monday night he came back to my place. Nothing at all happened! I made sure of that. I was exhausted from the night before. And not real sure how I feel about nature boy. But he did spend the night. We talked movies, life, politics. etc...
At about 9AM These darn birds started chirping! Woke me up.
Nature boy: " there must be a magpie nest near"
Me "what is a magpie"
NB " they are birds"
Me "Well I wish i had a gun right about now, I would shoot them! they are driving me crazy!"
NB shocked look on face looks at me and is probably thinking Alrighty!

Well I told him he needs to go b/c I had some things I needed to do. That is when he insisted on taking a shower.
Who does that? I know I am out of the loop, but ya get out as quick as possible in the morn...

So he showers and I walk him down. And tell him I will be around until Wed/ Thurs if he wants to hang out let me know.

At about 10pm Mon I get a text asking me out for Wed.. I reply back sure...give me a call.

I go to sleep...so excited for a sober night in bed. ALoNE!

Wake up the next day to 2 text and a missed call between 2:45am- 3:15am.

short of it...saying he is going to stop by to see if i am up on first text
around 3 am missed call from nature boy
3:15 text...sorry about the ring..was seeing if you were up.

OK what i don't understand is I have known this guy for 3 days. Why does he think he can just show up at 3am? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED! 2nd the night before I mentioned that i have a hard time sleeping. Why would he try and wake me in the middle of the night?

One thing nature boy does not know is that the last person to just show up at my place ended up in Jail!
I was irate. I do not like unannounced visitors. Especially at 3AM and it kind of creeps me out that someone would lurk around my window. That is just weird.

So day continues to get worst. I then find out that I need to go back to Denver on Thursday. I have no place to stay b/c uncle fam is kicking me out of my mom's place. and I need to stay in CO.

So what is a girl to do. But go to the bar. and drink and eat and drink and eat. at about 6:30 I realize it is time to go home. I am wasted! i woddle out of the place and go home. I call Nature boy...but straight to v/m...did not want to leave msg. b/c did not know what i wanted to say. Am i mad b/c he just showed up? am i mad that he asked how much the condo cost? but I really enjoyed talking to him. So try 2 more times both going directly to v/m. Left a msg. I think????? And then laid down. Woke up at 8:15. Wow can't believe I slept through the night...upon further inspection, I realize it is the still the same night.

I get dressed and go see if the hot dog stand is opened. It is not. So back to condo where I call carrie and have a good cry.
Not about the hot dog...but just frustrated!

I did not sleep that night. Mad upset angry and hurt!

I got up and cleaned the condo and left...

So thursday comes and I head to Denver. Horrible Horrible day! 2nd in a row. I was so frustrated and wanted to hang out with someone so call Nature Boy. Went to v/m and he still did not call me back? WTH? You don't just show up at someone's place at 3am and send texts and call and then ignore me when I try to reach you again? Weird! I was so tired when I got home I went straight to sleep...so easily.

Slept till about noon today. Then laid in bed and watched "You're cut off" At around 4 I had to get up and get out. Off to Larksburger. I kept reading about it in the paper...So thought I would venture out.
Next stop Vail Athletic Club for a 40 min workout while watching Jersey Shore...

Now it is time for bed. Time for bed!

packing up and moving on...

Well to the other side of the village. My family is so screwed up! I am staying at my mom & aunt's condo in Vail. But my uncle asked an aunt if he could use it. She had no idea i was out here and saw no problem so said yes. After she found out she called and apologized profusely which was so not necessary. But the weird thing is. My uncle has a 2 bedroom condo, my cousin has a 1 bedroom condo and my mom & aunts is 2 bedroom. I am getting shifted out of here to rent a place when they have 3 bedrooms that sleep at least 7. Here is the crazy thing....only 6 people are coming. WTF????

So I am booted out.

I did not sleep at all last night. HAD A HUGE CRY! my sweet friend carrie was a tremendous help. I have been blessed with awesome friends! It is nice and sunny...I am inside and sleepy!

Sitting on a rock with my feet in the creek.

What a great day! Took a walk around the village last night with a guy I met. He is very educated in all outdoors. We talked about life and what it means to live. Listened to the aspen leaves rustle..(whatever they are). He pointed out the big dipper and some planet in the sky. We looked at the moon. Watched a fox go running past us with his dinner. And just enjoyed the peace that came with the night.

Today, I have spent the morning with my feet in Gore Creek and reading. Bravo came out to play on the lawn. Listened to some great music. And just tried to be in the moment. Watched the kids in the creek. Decided to get lunch at about 1:30. Couldn't decide a place so finally ended up at La Cantina. Good and Cheap! On my way to the restaurant, I stopped at the fountain noone was in there...so I put my feet in! And smiled.

FAME

I have a guilty pleasure of watching reality shows. All of the Real Housewives, Tori & Dean, a few on MTV, The Bachelor, and many many more. I also have a lot of time on my hands so I read gossip sites, play on facebook and follow people on twitter. I recently noticed some of the reality stars craving more and more. Some stars are begging the twitterverse for their own shows, hinting for interviews and attention from talk show hosts and magazines. And I think, how pathetic. It is one thing to be given something and embracing it and another to stoop to a level of begging. Don't get me wrong, I do believe you have to go after what you want but at what point does it get pathetic?

As a little girl, all I wanted was to go to Hollywood and be famous. I was going to be an actress. At 25, I moved to LA. It took a few years, but I finally knew the right door people, got into the right bars, lunched at the right restaurants. At one point, my friends and I were on the same club circuit as Hef and his mates. I was invited to private parties, hooked up with a well known actor, a guitar player from a canadian band, a director of a movie that did not do too well, and dated a photographer. I was in the scene. I was skinny, barely eating and always with a drink and a prescription of Clonazepam. I had my dream car a 330BMW convertible. I loved the attention I got from the boys and the men. I met someone every night I went out. One fourth of July, I was out with a group of people. We crashed 2 parties. One was Shane Blacks big 4th another was some innocent guy in Malibu just trying to have his buddies over. Looking back, I can't believe I stooped to that. But every last bit was great fun!

I would not trade those years for anything else. Did I get what I wanted? No because I was pathetic for wanting something that I could not name.

Now I write this blog, just for me. Every once in a while I will check the map and noone has been to my blog. No-one knows I started writing here again. And not going to tell anyone. I realized I can look at that map all the time and see how many visitors I have, but why does that matter? Am I writing this for other people? No, this is for me. This is my journal. Kind of like a secret treasure. I have a friend that has asked for the blog address. I have not given it to her yet. I will if she asks again but as I am embracing my life and proud of all the opportunities and experiences I have had - I also realize my life is no greater than anyone else. Why would someone care about my life? Why would I ask for attention? I have been blessed with some wonderful friends and I know they care but I would never subject them to my random thoughts. I would prefer to talk to them on the phone or in person and they all know that. I have lived a different life from the typical 30something from atlanta. I have had many unique experiences- some are just flat out unbelievable and a bit on the nutty side but this is my life. I wake up each day with nothing to worry about except myself.

I am single and rarely wonder what it would be like to be married and settled down. I think I passed that about 2 years ago and accepted that the odds of me getting married are quite low at this point. . A friend asked me the other day if I was going to marry someone that liked to travel like I do or if I was going to marry someone to settle me down. Honestly, I felt flattered that she would think someone would marry me. Part of me would like the marriage but the other part of me wonders if I could commit? I have a problem signing a lease on an apartment for over a year! A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my friend from Seattle area. We were going through our guys that we might of maybe should of held on to. And I named one or two that I should of given a chance. My grandmother likes to remind me of them often. But at the end of the day - no. no. no. It would not of worked. Unfortunately, because they have both been married and had kids. But that is not what I want. I do not want a marriage. I want an honest and loving relationship and if it turns into marriage then so be. I do not want my own kids. I have nieces and nephews that I adore and many many children in my life to love. If I have my own kids then they will be loved. But I am not going to use marriage and children to fill a void. I don't know what this void is that I have. I am searching myself and enjoying the motions.

In this journey, I have realized I have wanted many things and I have gotten most of those things. Am I better off today? maybe, maybe not? I do know that the words I write here are for me. And me only. I am not writing this for people. I am not looking for the right words or perfect saying to be quoted. I don't care if I never get a hit on the map. Because at the end of the day, it is about me. It has to be! Because if I don't have the love in me noone will ever receive true love from me. OK to be honest I probably would do a little dance if I saw someone stumbled upon my page...but i am not crushed that it is my dirty little secret right now.

Which leads me back to the beginning of this rambling. Are people just not content in their own lives that they have to scream "look here...look at me?" Reality stars...love to watch them but come on!

Stop & Breathe!

Yesterday, I went to Denver for a day full of appointments.
First stop, Dentist for a cleaning. I need new bridges or implants.
But so do not want to spend $10,000- $20,000 on teeth at the moment.
I am living in a car and bumming around this Country. But it feels good to have nice and clean teeth!

Next stop, The bookstore.
My dear friend was going to send me the book "the power of now" but I told her I would pick it up when in Denver. I was talking with her about looking back on my life and seeing how I was not nice to some people.
And I really am upset about that. I never want a stranger to feel unwelcome or uneasy in my presence. Why would I do that to someone? Would I want someone to do that to me?
OK we are going back to the guy....

I think I am trying to find reasons to contact him, even though he did not give me his details.
The internet provides way too much information these days. Just by his first name and knowing the day he
played lacrosse, I found out his last name. It was kind of easy since his name is not Matt, Bryan or
any other common name. But why would I do that? That is just weird! Part of me thinks that he might
be flattered that I took the time to find him. And the other part thinks STALKER and reminds me of my ex boyfriend. There was nothing neat or romantic about him showing up at my parents house in Atlanta delirious. Needing to talk? I still see his face at the door and remember the tightness in my chest. Looking into his eyes, I felt like I was looking deep inside of him and there was nothing there and he was breathing so heavy. I was scared. Why would he drive from Michigan to Atlanta to "talk?". I gave him a few seconds to leave or I was going to call the police.. it really freaked me out!
Not sure what we needed to talk about because in about a week...I was heading to New Zealand....for a year.

So in my heart I am still wanting to hear from Lacrosse guy...but in my head I don't know why?

While picking up the Tolle Book, I ran across a book called women, food and God. And headed to the
foodcourt for the most expensive mall lunch ever! I feasted on a Gyro & Fries and 2 LARGE Diet cokes
while reading Women food & God. Which basically told the reader to only eat when they are
hungry. I thought about that as I ate and no, I was not hungry. I am eating because it is lunch time and I
have nothing else to do. I don't know if I have ever been hungry? I think I eat constantly...which is why I
am constantly a member of weight watchers.

Lunch over, books picked up, now it is time to head to the office so I can drop off the rest of my paperwork.
That was a quick stop. Next, I drop by the doctor's office to get my TB shot read and that was quick. Next stop.
OH PICKLES! One I am so dreading.

I input the address in my GPS and start the 30 minute drive. I realize I will be an hour early. But I have nothing left on
my list to do. As I exit the highway, I spot a car wash. Umm...good way to kill some time. I have so many dead bugs on
my car from my driving over 5000 miles in a month. I order up an exterior clean because the interior is just a mess with sweat shirts, movies, clothes, shoes, food, etc.

I wait 10 minutes then hop in my sparkling clean car and notice all the chips in the windshield. OH Pickles again!
About a mile down the road, I stop into a service station. I see that there is a full service island and opt to pay the additional $1.00 a gallon to get my oil, tires, and fluids checked. I was going to take it into Lexus but that would of cost over $100.00 plus they wanted to do a HUGE CHECK UP on the car...so I cancelled my appointment. $50.00 later, fueled up, tires filled and fluid topped off, I continue on this dreadful journey to my last location.

The lady from GPS guided me directly to the spot. I pulled into the parking lot at the hospital and locked the car doors and started walking towards the entrance. The part of the hospital I was entering was also the cancer wing. I caught an elevator with a lady that had a scarf wrapped around her head where her hair should be. She appeared to be my age. As we entered the elevator, I noticed a gentleman in his 40s or 50s with a cooler of something medical attached to him and I could smell the medicine coming out of his cooler. The lady and man exchanged some words which included some jokes about cocktails of choice to chill in his cooler. I was the outsider because I had no idea what they were discussing. But they were smiling and friendly and laughing and living with Cancer. I was PETRIFIED with my upcoming appointment and felt like a fool. What is wrong with me. As far as I know I am perfectly healthy. I have seen Death way to close. I have experienced the worst. OK. Not very gracefully, but I have. And I just could not handle what I was walking into.

Rose Breast Center was the door I walked into. I gave my name and was sent to a lady to check me in. Within 1 minute of sitting down in the chair, I lost it! LOST IT! She looked at me and said lets go outside. I make it to the hallway when my face is getting numb and I cannot breathe. Tears falling down my face and I grabbed on to the wall and slide down. All in my skirt with a slit up to there and gucci wedges. At least I looked cute in distress.

I heard one lady say, "do you need a glass of water?" and then another lady walking by and stopping to see what was going on. The next thing I remember is one lady is back with juice and water and another with a chair for me to sit in and another lady is wiping me down with wet towels. I finally catch my breathe and start breathing. What is up with all of this hyperventilating? NEVER BEFORE HAS IT BEEN THIS BAD. When my nephew passed away, it was bad. But not to the point where I almost passed out. I gain a smidget of my composure and return inside to continue checking in. Working myself all up again but not as bad.
I was sent to the waiting area to wait for my first Mammogram.

I had just started reading how Marisa Tomei looks so good in the recent Shape magazine when I get called back. I was so awkward walking back. I could not get my act together and did not want to go.
I was put in the changing room and told to put on the robe and then head over to exam room #1.
Shaking in my wedges, I walk across the hall to meet the mammogram lady.
Thinking I should take off these wedges right about now because I was sure I was going to fall...She said not to in case there were staples on the floor. That was not a concern of mine at all at this point. But OK I will listen to her.

Step up to the machine, she plops my right Double D in there and moves the machine around. Steps back, tells me to take a deep breath. I inhale hold for a few seconds then was told to exhale and then was told first slide done. Are you kidding me? At that point, I started laughing and asked, "is that it?" Yes...that was it.

What in the world was I thinking? Why did I get so upset and worked up for the unknown. It was just fine. Not uncomfortable. Just a little awkward with a lady touching your boob. But it was just about the same as getting sized for a bra. NOTHING! AT this point, I am embarrassed. Whoever said mammograms were bad? That is a joke. I can handle one of these any day over a shot or blood drawn. It was so nothing! Like going to get fitted for a bra. Nothing! 3 more slides and I am blushing for acting like a fool.

After I got dressed, I walked through the waiting room and stopped by to tell the sweet lady that was wiping me down with towels during unnecessary panic attack that it was not bad at all. She offered to cut off my hospital band and I let her. There was a secret desire deep inside for me to wear it. I wanted a souvenir of my day. But off it went and into the trash. We had a bit of a laugh and I jumped in the car and headed back to Vail.

Ride home I stopped in Dillon for a 12 pack. I think I deserve a drink right about now and not sure if I want to go to red lion after meeting lacrosse boy. Did I mention, I was drunk that night?

Home, scrapbook, beer, and bed.

Today was up at 3:30AM! WTH? laid around until about 6 when I got up to go to the village to get a paper. Me in my jammies and clogs with a coat over me. Was so nice and peaceful this morning. No-one out but the beer delivery guy. Not even the Vail Daily was out yet. I grabbed another paper and walked back to the condo. I laid in bed and researched home remedies for hyperventilating and then read the paper while listening to I LOVE LUCY on the TV. I finally fell back to sleep until 10AM.

When I woke, I checked e-mail and saw that all of my doctor reports have been received by Medical except my mammogram and Pap cytology.
So off I went to send the request to my ATL ob-gyn to forward pap results to Medical. (those don't go real well either, but that is such a thing of the past...so May)
I stopped by City Market, then off to lunch. Feeling a bit hung-over today. Maybe had 1 or 2 too many? maybe?
I can't believe it, looks like I am going to Antarctica. If they don't stop me with all of my panic attacks I have been having at the Docs.

After lunch, I wandered through Vail and found a perfect spot in the grass for me to lie. I listened to the water flow by. Watched the children play in the creek. Watched the new parents in awe over their little ones and was just in the "NOW". I picked up my book and read. Looking up when I heard laughter. It did not matter that I was alone and all by myself. I was there, there until the clouds took over the sky.

Nap time! Wake up! Then Walk! My thoughts were getting to me during my walk. I tried to run but realized I could not run from the past and into the dreams of the future. I am reliving the past and thinking about the future. I know I can't run from something and then directly into something that I desire but being caught between the past and the future is no way to live. For a moment, I lose myself in my i-pod. sing and dance and as my arms flail out, I almost knock a lady down trying to bike past me. A smile comes across my face. Not that I almost knocked the lady down, but I was in the moment.

Thoughts in my head and living the dream!

I am so torn at the moment. I have a wonderful, unique and rare opportunity to go to Antarctica.
How many people get to go there? In the process of this becoming a reality, I met a guy 3 weeks ago.
We talked for a bit and had fun with his group of friends.
And this someone asked me for my number and I was flat out RUDE to him.
I finally gave it to him and surprise, surprise...he did not call.

Why was I so mean? Bad timing? I am homeless, jobless and in the middle of the country with no idea where I am going. It is just not a good time. Or am I in fear of getting hurt. With my last 2 boyfriends I was contacted by the police wanting information about them. One was being shady and roaming the streets and the other, I am not so sure but a 4AM bang on the door by Dekalb county police is probably not a good thing.

One ended up stalking me and the other I found out is gay or bisexual and/ or a cross dresser. Not sure which category he falls in.

So in my head, I feel like I screwed up new guy. But did I really? what do I know about this guy? He plays lacrosse, his buddy told me he was very wealthy and he is from Pennsylvania or New Jersey. If that is all I know, why am I so upset he did not call?

I know why he did not call. I was mean and rude. I am mad at myself but I had my reasons. At that time they seemed valid and still do. so why am I upset???? To ease this confusion in my head I continue to tell myself ..."At that moment, that is who I was." No going back. No looking back. No regrets. Move forward and learn from it. move forward and work on things about myself that I want to change. Do I really want to meet a guy when I am so wasted that I barely remember the whole convo?

I don't think so...so in the meantime...I will spend my time on activities that I like, stay out of the bars, play outside and work on my nz scrapbook. Tomorrow, I head to denver for more doctor tests and drop off paper work. I am due to leave aug 9. So soon, so exciting, so fun! Life is good!

Poked, Prodded, Hyperventilated, Ouch, Tired!

Exhausted!
But I got to cross off Wyoming and Montana off my list!
Montana was absolutely gorgeous! And Wyoming was quite nice as well.
A smile came across my face each time I crossed a new state line.
Now I have 17 more to go!

So so tired. Spent the night in Denver last night. And visited the dentist, doctor, and lab for way too much!
I arrived to Vail about 2 hours ago and I am about to take a pain pill and go to bed. My arm from my shots hurt :(!

Got a job!

Woohoo...so I am still in Kirkland, WA. Mariah's place is a little over a mile from lake washington. As soon as you get on the main drag, you start to see water approaching and just look at it in awe. I find peace and tranquility whenever I see it. Did the drive twice today...and now about to take a walk. Great, fun, friendly city!

So I got a call to go work in Antarctica. Yes, I know I was on way way to sunny southern cali. but nothing is set in stone.

The job: lead dining attendant. I feel like I am trying to glorify it because it is basically a waittress in the cafeteria including washing dishes and mopping. Have I ever done any of this? NO!...The schedules, ordering of supplies and setting up desserts...I am cool with!

So why would I want to go to antarctica to do this?

Why not?

Pros: Get to go to antarctica

have no living expenses - because live in a dorm and eat in the cafeteria

free haircuts - don't think there is a colorist there.

save money - because not much to spend it on in antarctica

once in a lifetime opportunity

Cons: stuck on ice

work 60 hours a week doing work I have never done (I think this will teach me good work ethics)

sleep in a dorm ...UGH

all alcohol is rationed... I need to learn self control

as well as coke.... Been trying to get off of it...

public drunkeness is not accepted...probably best for me...

So going to get back in my car and head back east. Time to board a plane soon...next stop Antarctica!

Am I really this dumb?

OK so last night I was out with my friend Mariah. We went and met up with some friends of her at work and had drinks. One of the guys is deaf. We were having cocktails and chatting when he asked me if I knew sign language. I said no...but look and started digging through my wallet. In my wallet I found a token that has dream written in Braille. I took it out and showed him. Instantly I felt like the biggest idiot. He looked at me and said, " I am deaf not blind" then looked at my friend and said...." I am deaf and she is dumb"

OH MY GOODNESS! Cannot believe I did that.

wings & roots

You have one or the other

The bartender last friday night shared that with me.

Which one do you think I have?