Stop & Breathe!

Yesterday, I went to Denver for a day full of appointments.
First stop, Dentist for a cleaning. I need new bridges or implants.
But so do not want to spend $10,000- $20,000 on teeth at the moment.
I am living in a car and bumming around this Country. But it feels good to have nice and clean teeth!

Next stop, The bookstore.
My dear friend was going to send me the book "the power of now" but I told her I would pick it up when in Denver. I was talking with her about looking back on my life and seeing how I was not nice to some people.
And I really am upset about that. I never want a stranger to feel unwelcome or uneasy in my presence. Why would I do that to someone? Would I want someone to do that to me?
OK we are going back to the guy....

I think I am trying to find reasons to contact him, even though he did not give me his details.
The internet provides way too much information these days. Just by his first name and knowing the day he
played lacrosse, I found out his last name. It was kind of easy since his name is not Matt, Bryan or
any other common name. But why would I do that? That is just weird! Part of me thinks that he might
be flattered that I took the time to find him. And the other part thinks STALKER and reminds me of my ex boyfriend. There was nothing neat or romantic about him showing up at my parents house in Atlanta delirious. Needing to talk? I still see his face at the door and remember the tightness in my chest. Looking into his eyes, I felt like I was looking deep inside of him and there was nothing there and he was breathing so heavy. I was scared. Why would he drive from Michigan to Atlanta to "talk?". I gave him a few seconds to leave or I was going to call the police.. it really freaked me out!
Not sure what we needed to talk about because in about a week...I was heading to New Zealand....for a year.

So in my heart I am still wanting to hear from Lacrosse guy...but in my head I don't know why?

While picking up the Tolle Book, I ran across a book called women, food and God. And headed to the
foodcourt for the most expensive mall lunch ever! I feasted on a Gyro & Fries and 2 LARGE Diet cokes
while reading Women food & God. Which basically told the reader to only eat when they are
hungry. I thought about that as I ate and no, I was not hungry. I am eating because it is lunch time and I
have nothing else to do. I don't know if I have ever been hungry? I think I eat constantly...which is why I
am constantly a member of weight watchers.

Lunch over, books picked up, now it is time to head to the office so I can drop off the rest of my paperwork.
That was a quick stop. Next, I drop by the doctor's office to get my TB shot read and that was quick. Next stop.
OH PICKLES! One I am so dreading.

I input the address in my GPS and start the 30 minute drive. I realize I will be an hour early. But I have nothing left on
my list to do. As I exit the highway, I spot a car wash. Umm...good way to kill some time. I have so many dead bugs on
my car from my driving over 5000 miles in a month. I order up an exterior clean because the interior is just a mess with sweat shirts, movies, clothes, shoes, food, etc.

I wait 10 minutes then hop in my sparkling clean car and notice all the chips in the windshield. OH Pickles again!
About a mile down the road, I stop into a service station. I see that there is a full service island and opt to pay the additional $1.00 a gallon to get my oil, tires, and fluids checked. I was going to take it into Lexus but that would of cost over $100.00 plus they wanted to do a HUGE CHECK UP on the car...so I cancelled my appointment. $50.00 later, fueled up, tires filled and fluid topped off, I continue on this dreadful journey to my last location.

The lady from GPS guided me directly to the spot. I pulled into the parking lot at the hospital and locked the car doors and started walking towards the entrance. The part of the hospital I was entering was also the cancer wing. I caught an elevator with a lady that had a scarf wrapped around her head where her hair should be. She appeared to be my age. As we entered the elevator, I noticed a gentleman in his 40s or 50s with a cooler of something medical attached to him and I could smell the medicine coming out of his cooler. The lady and man exchanged some words which included some jokes about cocktails of choice to chill in his cooler. I was the outsider because I had no idea what they were discussing. But they were smiling and friendly and laughing and living with Cancer. I was PETRIFIED with my upcoming appointment and felt like a fool. What is wrong with me. As far as I know I am perfectly healthy. I have seen Death way to close. I have experienced the worst. OK. Not very gracefully, but I have. And I just could not handle what I was walking into.

Rose Breast Center was the door I walked into. I gave my name and was sent to a lady to check me in. Within 1 minute of sitting down in the chair, I lost it! LOST IT! She looked at me and said lets go outside. I make it to the hallway when my face is getting numb and I cannot breathe. Tears falling down my face and I grabbed on to the wall and slide down. All in my skirt with a slit up to there and gucci wedges. At least I looked cute in distress.

I heard one lady say, "do you need a glass of water?" and then another lady walking by and stopping to see what was going on. The next thing I remember is one lady is back with juice and water and another with a chair for me to sit in and another lady is wiping me down with wet towels. I finally catch my breathe and start breathing. What is up with all of this hyperventilating? NEVER BEFORE HAS IT BEEN THIS BAD. When my nephew passed away, it was bad. But not to the point where I almost passed out. I gain a smidget of my composure and return inside to continue checking in. Working myself all up again but not as bad.
I was sent to the waiting area to wait for my first Mammogram.

I had just started reading how Marisa Tomei looks so good in the recent Shape magazine when I get called back. I was so awkward walking back. I could not get my act together and did not want to go.
I was put in the changing room and told to put on the robe and then head over to exam room #1.
Shaking in my wedges, I walk across the hall to meet the mammogram lady.
Thinking I should take off these wedges right about now because I was sure I was going to fall...She said not to in case there were staples on the floor. That was not a concern of mine at all at this point. But OK I will listen to her.

Step up to the machine, she plops my right Double D in there and moves the machine around. Steps back, tells me to take a deep breath. I inhale hold for a few seconds then was told to exhale and then was told first slide done. Are you kidding me? At that point, I started laughing and asked, "is that it?" Yes...that was it.

What in the world was I thinking? Why did I get so upset and worked up for the unknown. It was just fine. Not uncomfortable. Just a little awkward with a lady touching your boob. But it was just about the same as getting sized for a bra. NOTHING! AT this point, I am embarrassed. Whoever said mammograms were bad? That is a joke. I can handle one of these any day over a shot or blood drawn. It was so nothing! Like going to get fitted for a bra. Nothing! 3 more slides and I am blushing for acting like a fool.

After I got dressed, I walked through the waiting room and stopped by to tell the sweet lady that was wiping me down with towels during unnecessary panic attack that it was not bad at all. She offered to cut off my hospital band and I let her. There was a secret desire deep inside for me to wear it. I wanted a souvenir of my day. But off it went and into the trash. We had a bit of a laugh and I jumped in the car and headed back to Vail.

Ride home I stopped in Dillon for a 12 pack. I think I deserve a drink right about now and not sure if I want to go to red lion after meeting lacrosse boy. Did I mention, I was drunk that night?

Home, scrapbook, beer, and bed.

Today was up at 3:30AM! WTH? laid around until about 6 when I got up to go to the village to get a paper. Me in my jammies and clogs with a coat over me. Was so nice and peaceful this morning. No-one out but the beer delivery guy. Not even the Vail Daily was out yet. I grabbed another paper and walked back to the condo. I laid in bed and researched home remedies for hyperventilating and then read the paper while listening to I LOVE LUCY on the TV. I finally fell back to sleep until 10AM.

When I woke, I checked e-mail and saw that all of my doctor reports have been received by Medical except my mammogram and Pap cytology.
So off I went to send the request to my ATL ob-gyn to forward pap results to Medical. (those don't go real well either, but that is such a thing of the past...so May)
I stopped by City Market, then off to lunch. Feeling a bit hung-over today. Maybe had 1 or 2 too many? maybe?
I can't believe it, looks like I am going to Antarctica. If they don't stop me with all of my panic attacks I have been having at the Docs.

After lunch, I wandered through Vail and found a perfect spot in the grass for me to lie. I listened to the water flow by. Watched the children play in the creek. Watched the new parents in awe over their little ones and was just in the "NOW". I picked up my book and read. Looking up when I heard laughter. It did not matter that I was alone and all by myself. I was there, there until the clouds took over the sky.

Nap time! Wake up! Then Walk! My thoughts were getting to me during my walk. I tried to run but realized I could not run from the past and into the dreams of the future. I am reliving the past and thinking about the future. I know I can't run from something and then directly into something that I desire but being caught between the past and the future is no way to live. For a moment, I lose myself in my i-pod. sing and dance and as my arms flail out, I almost knock a lady down trying to bike past me. A smile comes across my face. Not that I almost knocked the lady down, but I was in the moment.