Nature Boy? Don't come knockin at 3am then ignore my calls...

OK...so go back to nature boy. The great outdoorsman! Anyway...I will admit...after our walk monday night he came back to my place. Nothing at all happened! I made sure of that. I was exhausted from the night before. And not real sure how I feel about nature boy. But he did spend the night. We talked movies, life, politics. etc...
At about 9AM These darn birds started chirping! Woke me up.
Nature boy: " there must be a magpie nest near"
Me "what is a magpie"
NB " they are birds"
Me "Well I wish i had a gun right about now, I would shoot them! they are driving me crazy!"
NB shocked look on face looks at me and is probably thinking Alrighty!

Well I told him he needs to go b/c I had some things I needed to do. That is when he insisted on taking a shower.
Who does that? I know I am out of the loop, but ya get out as quick as possible in the morn...

So he showers and I walk him down. And tell him I will be around until Wed/ Thurs if he wants to hang out let me know.

At about 10pm Mon I get a text asking me out for Wed.. I reply back sure...give me a call.

I go to sleep...so excited for a sober night in bed. ALoNE!

Wake up the next day to 2 text and a missed call between 2:45am- 3:15am.

short of it...saying he is going to stop by to see if i am up on first text
around 3 am missed call from nature boy
3:15 text...sorry about the ring..was seeing if you were up.

OK what i don't understand is I have known this guy for 3 days. Why does he think he can just show up at 3am? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED! 2nd the night before I mentioned that i have a hard time sleeping. Why would he try and wake me in the middle of the night?

One thing nature boy does not know is that the last person to just show up at my place ended up in Jail!
I was irate. I do not like unannounced visitors. Especially at 3AM and it kind of creeps me out that someone would lurk around my window. That is just weird.

So day continues to get worst. I then find out that I need to go back to Denver on Thursday. I have no place to stay b/c uncle fam is kicking me out of my mom's place. and I need to stay in CO.

So what is a girl to do. But go to the bar. and drink and eat and drink and eat. at about 6:30 I realize it is time to go home. I am wasted! i woddle out of the place and go home. I call Nature boy...but straight to v/m...did not want to leave msg. b/c did not know what i wanted to say. Am i mad b/c he just showed up? am i mad that he asked how much the condo cost? but I really enjoyed talking to him. So try 2 more times both going directly to v/m. Left a msg. I think????? And then laid down. Woke up at 8:15. Wow can't believe I slept through the night...upon further inspection, I realize it is the still the same night.

I get dressed and go see if the hot dog stand is opened. It is not. So back to condo where I call carrie and have a good cry.
Not about the hot dog...but just frustrated!

I did not sleep that night. Mad upset angry and hurt!

I got up and cleaned the condo and left...

So thursday comes and I head to Denver. Horrible Horrible day! 2nd in a row. I was so frustrated and wanted to hang out with someone so call Nature Boy. Went to v/m and he still did not call me back? WTH? You don't just show up at someone's place at 3am and send texts and call and then ignore me when I try to reach you again? Weird! I was so tired when I got home I went straight to sleep...so easily.

Slept till about noon today. Then laid in bed and watched "You're cut off" At around 4 I had to get up and get out. Off to Larksburger. I kept reading about it in the paper...So thought I would venture out.
Next stop Vail Athletic Club for a 40 min workout while watching Jersey Shore...

Now it is time for bed. Time for bed!

packing up and moving on...

Well to the other side of the village. My family is so screwed up! I am staying at my mom & aunt's condo in Vail. But my uncle asked an aunt if he could use it. She had no idea i was out here and saw no problem so said yes. After she found out she called and apologized profusely which was so not necessary. But the weird thing is. My uncle has a 2 bedroom condo, my cousin has a 1 bedroom condo and my mom & aunts is 2 bedroom. I am getting shifted out of here to rent a place when they have 3 bedrooms that sleep at least 7. Here is the crazy thing....only 6 people are coming. WTF????

So I am booted out.

I did not sleep at all last night. HAD A HUGE CRY! my sweet friend carrie was a tremendous help. I have been blessed with awesome friends! It is nice and sunny...I am inside and sleepy!

Sitting on a rock with my feet in the creek.

What a great day! Took a walk around the village last night with a guy I met. He is very educated in all outdoors. We talked about life and what it means to live. Listened to the aspen leaves rustle..(whatever they are). He pointed out the big dipper and some planet in the sky. We looked at the moon. Watched a fox go running past us with his dinner. And just enjoyed the peace that came with the night.

Today, I have spent the morning with my feet in Gore Creek and reading. Bravo came out to play on the lawn. Listened to some great music. And just tried to be in the moment. Watched the kids in the creek. Decided to get lunch at about 1:30. Couldn't decide a place so finally ended up at La Cantina. Good and Cheap! On my way to the restaurant, I stopped at the fountain noone was in there...so I put my feet in! And smiled.

FAME

I have a guilty pleasure of watching reality shows. All of the Real Housewives, Tori & Dean, a few on MTV, The Bachelor, and many many more. I also have a lot of time on my hands so I read gossip sites, play on facebook and follow people on twitter. I recently noticed some of the reality stars craving more and more. Some stars are begging the twitterverse for their own shows, hinting for interviews and attention from talk show hosts and magazines. And I think, how pathetic. It is one thing to be given something and embracing it and another to stoop to a level of begging. Don't get me wrong, I do believe you have to go after what you want but at what point does it get pathetic?

As a little girl, all I wanted was to go to Hollywood and be famous. I was going to be an actress. At 25, I moved to LA. It took a few years, but I finally knew the right door people, got into the right bars, lunched at the right restaurants. At one point, my friends and I were on the same club circuit as Hef and his mates. I was invited to private parties, hooked up with a well known actor, a guitar player from a canadian band, a director of a movie that did not do too well, and dated a photographer. I was in the scene. I was skinny, barely eating and always with a drink and a prescription of Clonazepam. I had my dream car a 330BMW convertible. I loved the attention I got from the boys and the men. I met someone every night I went out. One fourth of July, I was out with a group of people. We crashed 2 parties. One was Shane Blacks big 4th another was some innocent guy in Malibu just trying to have his buddies over. Looking back, I can't believe I stooped to that. But every last bit was great fun!

I would not trade those years for anything else. Did I get what I wanted? No because I was pathetic for wanting something that I could not name.

Now I write this blog, just for me. Every once in a while I will check the map and noone has been to my blog. No-one knows I started writing here again. And not going to tell anyone. I realized I can look at that map all the time and see how many visitors I have, but why does that matter? Am I writing this for other people? No, this is for me. This is my journal. Kind of like a secret treasure. I have a friend that has asked for the blog address. I have not given it to her yet. I will if she asks again but as I am embracing my life and proud of all the opportunities and experiences I have had - I also realize my life is no greater than anyone else. Why would someone care about my life? Why would I ask for attention? I have been blessed with some wonderful friends and I know they care but I would never subject them to my random thoughts. I would prefer to talk to them on the phone or in person and they all know that. I have lived a different life from the typical 30something from atlanta. I have had many unique experiences- some are just flat out unbelievable and a bit on the nutty side but this is my life. I wake up each day with nothing to worry about except myself.

I am single and rarely wonder what it would be like to be married and settled down. I think I passed that about 2 years ago and accepted that the odds of me getting married are quite low at this point. . A friend asked me the other day if I was going to marry someone that liked to travel like I do or if I was going to marry someone to settle me down. Honestly, I felt flattered that she would think someone would marry me. Part of me would like the marriage but the other part of me wonders if I could commit? I have a problem signing a lease on an apartment for over a year! A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my friend from Seattle area. We were going through our guys that we might of maybe should of held on to. And I named one or two that I should of given a chance. My grandmother likes to remind me of them often. But at the end of the day - no. no. no. It would not of worked. Unfortunately, because they have both been married and had kids. But that is not what I want. I do not want a marriage. I want an honest and loving relationship and if it turns into marriage then so be. I do not want my own kids. I have nieces and nephews that I adore and many many children in my life to love. If I have my own kids then they will be loved. But I am not going to use marriage and children to fill a void. I don't know what this void is that I have. I am searching myself and enjoying the motions.

In this journey, I have realized I have wanted many things and I have gotten most of those things. Am I better off today? maybe, maybe not? I do know that the words I write here are for me. And me only. I am not writing this for people. I am not looking for the right words or perfect saying to be quoted. I don't care if I never get a hit on the map. Because at the end of the day, it is about me. It has to be! Because if I don't have the love in me noone will ever receive true love from me. OK to be honest I probably would do a little dance if I saw someone stumbled upon my page...but i am not crushed that it is my dirty little secret right now.

Which leads me back to the beginning of this rambling. Are people just not content in their own lives that they have to scream "look here...look at me?" Reality stars...love to watch them but come on!

Stop & Breathe!

Yesterday, I went to Denver for a day full of appointments.
First stop, Dentist for a cleaning. I need new bridges or implants.
But so do not want to spend $10,000- $20,000 on teeth at the moment.
I am living in a car and bumming around this Country. But it feels good to have nice and clean teeth!

Next stop, The bookstore.
My dear friend was going to send me the book "the power of now" but I told her I would pick it up when in Denver. I was talking with her about looking back on my life and seeing how I was not nice to some people.
And I really am upset about that. I never want a stranger to feel unwelcome or uneasy in my presence. Why would I do that to someone? Would I want someone to do that to me?
OK we are going back to the guy....

I think I am trying to find reasons to contact him, even though he did not give me his details.
The internet provides way too much information these days. Just by his first name and knowing the day he
played lacrosse, I found out his last name. It was kind of easy since his name is not Matt, Bryan or
any other common name. But why would I do that? That is just weird! Part of me thinks that he might
be flattered that I took the time to find him. And the other part thinks STALKER and reminds me of my ex boyfriend. There was nothing neat or romantic about him showing up at my parents house in Atlanta delirious. Needing to talk? I still see his face at the door and remember the tightness in my chest. Looking into his eyes, I felt like I was looking deep inside of him and there was nothing there and he was breathing so heavy. I was scared. Why would he drive from Michigan to Atlanta to "talk?". I gave him a few seconds to leave or I was going to call the police.. it really freaked me out!
Not sure what we needed to talk about because in about a week...I was heading to New Zealand....for a year.

So in my heart I am still wanting to hear from Lacrosse guy...but in my head I don't know why?

While picking up the Tolle Book, I ran across a book called women, food and God. And headed to the
foodcourt for the most expensive mall lunch ever! I feasted on a Gyro & Fries and 2 LARGE Diet cokes
while reading Women food & God. Which basically told the reader to only eat when they are
hungry. I thought about that as I ate and no, I was not hungry. I am eating because it is lunch time and I
have nothing else to do. I don't know if I have ever been hungry? I think I eat constantly...which is why I
am constantly a member of weight watchers.

Lunch over, books picked up, now it is time to head to the office so I can drop off the rest of my paperwork.
That was a quick stop. Next, I drop by the doctor's office to get my TB shot read and that was quick. Next stop.
OH PICKLES! One I am so dreading.

I input the address in my GPS and start the 30 minute drive. I realize I will be an hour early. But I have nothing left on
my list to do. As I exit the highway, I spot a car wash. Umm...good way to kill some time. I have so many dead bugs on
my car from my driving over 5000 miles in a month. I order up an exterior clean because the interior is just a mess with sweat shirts, movies, clothes, shoes, food, etc.

I wait 10 minutes then hop in my sparkling clean car and notice all the chips in the windshield. OH Pickles again!
About a mile down the road, I stop into a service station. I see that there is a full service island and opt to pay the additional $1.00 a gallon to get my oil, tires, and fluids checked. I was going to take it into Lexus but that would of cost over $100.00 plus they wanted to do a HUGE CHECK UP on the car...so I cancelled my appointment. $50.00 later, fueled up, tires filled and fluid topped off, I continue on this dreadful journey to my last location.

The lady from GPS guided me directly to the spot. I pulled into the parking lot at the hospital and locked the car doors and started walking towards the entrance. The part of the hospital I was entering was also the cancer wing. I caught an elevator with a lady that had a scarf wrapped around her head where her hair should be. She appeared to be my age. As we entered the elevator, I noticed a gentleman in his 40s or 50s with a cooler of something medical attached to him and I could smell the medicine coming out of his cooler. The lady and man exchanged some words which included some jokes about cocktails of choice to chill in his cooler. I was the outsider because I had no idea what they were discussing. But they were smiling and friendly and laughing and living with Cancer. I was PETRIFIED with my upcoming appointment and felt like a fool. What is wrong with me. As far as I know I am perfectly healthy. I have seen Death way to close. I have experienced the worst. OK. Not very gracefully, but I have. And I just could not handle what I was walking into.

Rose Breast Center was the door I walked into. I gave my name and was sent to a lady to check me in. Within 1 minute of sitting down in the chair, I lost it! LOST IT! She looked at me and said lets go outside. I make it to the hallway when my face is getting numb and I cannot breathe. Tears falling down my face and I grabbed on to the wall and slide down. All in my skirt with a slit up to there and gucci wedges. At least I looked cute in distress.

I heard one lady say, "do you need a glass of water?" and then another lady walking by and stopping to see what was going on. The next thing I remember is one lady is back with juice and water and another with a chair for me to sit in and another lady is wiping me down with wet towels. I finally catch my breathe and start breathing. What is up with all of this hyperventilating? NEVER BEFORE HAS IT BEEN THIS BAD. When my nephew passed away, it was bad. But not to the point where I almost passed out. I gain a smidget of my composure and return inside to continue checking in. Working myself all up again but not as bad.
I was sent to the waiting area to wait for my first Mammogram.

I had just started reading how Marisa Tomei looks so good in the recent Shape magazine when I get called back. I was so awkward walking back. I could not get my act together and did not want to go.
I was put in the changing room and told to put on the robe and then head over to exam room #1.
Shaking in my wedges, I walk across the hall to meet the mammogram lady.
Thinking I should take off these wedges right about now because I was sure I was going to fall...She said not to in case there were staples on the floor. That was not a concern of mine at all at this point. But OK I will listen to her.

Step up to the machine, she plops my right Double D in there and moves the machine around. Steps back, tells me to take a deep breath. I inhale hold for a few seconds then was told to exhale and then was told first slide done. Are you kidding me? At that point, I started laughing and asked, "is that it?" Yes...that was it.

What in the world was I thinking? Why did I get so upset and worked up for the unknown. It was just fine. Not uncomfortable. Just a little awkward with a lady touching your boob. But it was just about the same as getting sized for a bra. NOTHING! AT this point, I am embarrassed. Whoever said mammograms were bad? That is a joke. I can handle one of these any day over a shot or blood drawn. It was so nothing! Like going to get fitted for a bra. Nothing! 3 more slides and I am blushing for acting like a fool.

After I got dressed, I walked through the waiting room and stopped by to tell the sweet lady that was wiping me down with towels during unnecessary panic attack that it was not bad at all. She offered to cut off my hospital band and I let her. There was a secret desire deep inside for me to wear it. I wanted a souvenir of my day. But off it went and into the trash. We had a bit of a laugh and I jumped in the car and headed back to Vail.

Ride home I stopped in Dillon for a 12 pack. I think I deserve a drink right about now and not sure if I want to go to red lion after meeting lacrosse boy. Did I mention, I was drunk that night?

Home, scrapbook, beer, and bed.

Today was up at 3:30AM! WTH? laid around until about 6 when I got up to go to the village to get a paper. Me in my jammies and clogs with a coat over me. Was so nice and peaceful this morning. No-one out but the beer delivery guy. Not even the Vail Daily was out yet. I grabbed another paper and walked back to the condo. I laid in bed and researched home remedies for hyperventilating and then read the paper while listening to I LOVE LUCY on the TV. I finally fell back to sleep until 10AM.

When I woke, I checked e-mail and saw that all of my doctor reports have been received by Medical except my mammogram and Pap cytology.
So off I went to send the request to my ATL ob-gyn to forward pap results to Medical. (those don't go real well either, but that is such a thing of the past...so May)
I stopped by City Market, then off to lunch. Feeling a bit hung-over today. Maybe had 1 or 2 too many? maybe?
I can't believe it, looks like I am going to Antarctica. If they don't stop me with all of my panic attacks I have been having at the Docs.

After lunch, I wandered through Vail and found a perfect spot in the grass for me to lie. I listened to the water flow by. Watched the children play in the creek. Watched the new parents in awe over their little ones and was just in the "NOW". I picked up my book and read. Looking up when I heard laughter. It did not matter that I was alone and all by myself. I was there, there until the clouds took over the sky.

Nap time! Wake up! Then Walk! My thoughts were getting to me during my walk. I tried to run but realized I could not run from the past and into the dreams of the future. I am reliving the past and thinking about the future. I know I can't run from something and then directly into something that I desire but being caught between the past and the future is no way to live. For a moment, I lose myself in my i-pod. sing and dance and as my arms flail out, I almost knock a lady down trying to bike past me. A smile comes across my face. Not that I almost knocked the lady down, but I was in the moment.

Thoughts in my head and living the dream!

I am so torn at the moment. I have a wonderful, unique and rare opportunity to go to Antarctica.
How many people get to go there? In the process of this becoming a reality, I met a guy 3 weeks ago.
We talked for a bit and had fun with his group of friends.
And this someone asked me for my number and I was flat out RUDE to him.
I finally gave it to him and surprise, surprise...he did not call.

Why was I so mean? Bad timing? I am homeless, jobless and in the middle of the country with no idea where I am going. It is just not a good time. Or am I in fear of getting hurt. With my last 2 boyfriends I was contacted by the police wanting information about them. One was being shady and roaming the streets and the other, I am not so sure but a 4AM bang on the door by Dekalb county police is probably not a good thing.

One ended up stalking me and the other I found out is gay or bisexual and/ or a cross dresser. Not sure which category he falls in.

So in my head, I feel like I screwed up new guy. But did I really? what do I know about this guy? He plays lacrosse, his buddy told me he was very wealthy and he is from Pennsylvania or New Jersey. If that is all I know, why am I so upset he did not call?

I know why he did not call. I was mean and rude. I am mad at myself but I had my reasons. At that time they seemed valid and still do. so why am I upset???? To ease this confusion in my head I continue to tell myself ..."At that moment, that is who I was." No going back. No looking back. No regrets. Move forward and learn from it. move forward and work on things about myself that I want to change. Do I really want to meet a guy when I am so wasted that I barely remember the whole convo?

I don't think so...so in the meantime...I will spend my time on activities that I like, stay out of the bars, play outside and work on my nz scrapbook. Tomorrow, I head to denver for more doctor tests and drop off paper work. I am due to leave aug 9. So soon, so exciting, so fun! Life is good!

Poked, Prodded, Hyperventilated, Ouch, Tired!

Exhausted!
But I got to cross off Wyoming and Montana off my list!
Montana was absolutely gorgeous! And Wyoming was quite nice as well.
A smile came across my face each time I crossed a new state line.
Now I have 17 more to go!

So so tired. Spent the night in Denver last night. And visited the dentist, doctor, and lab for way too much!
I arrived to Vail about 2 hours ago and I am about to take a pain pill and go to bed. My arm from my shots hurt :(!

Got a job!

Woohoo...so I am still in Kirkland, WA. Mariah's place is a little over a mile from lake washington. As soon as you get on the main drag, you start to see water approaching and just look at it in awe. I find peace and tranquility whenever I see it. Did the drive twice today...and now about to take a walk. Great, fun, friendly city!

So I got a call to go work in Antarctica. Yes, I know I was on way way to sunny southern cali. but nothing is set in stone.

The job: lead dining attendant. I feel like I am trying to glorify it because it is basically a waittress in the cafeteria including washing dishes and mopping. Have I ever done any of this? NO!...The schedules, ordering of supplies and setting up desserts...I am cool with!

So why would I want to go to antarctica to do this?

Why not?

Pros: Get to go to antarctica

have no living expenses - because live in a dorm and eat in the cafeteria

free haircuts - don't think there is a colorist there.

save money - because not much to spend it on in antarctica

once in a lifetime opportunity

Cons: stuck on ice

work 60 hours a week doing work I have never done (I think this will teach me good work ethics)

sleep in a dorm ...UGH

all alcohol is rationed... I need to learn self control

as well as coke.... Been trying to get off of it...

public drunkeness is not accepted...probably best for me...

So going to get back in my car and head back east. Time to board a plane soon...next stop Antarctica!

Am I really this dumb?

OK so last night I was out with my friend Mariah. We went and met up with some friends of her at work and had drinks. One of the guys is deaf. We were having cocktails and chatting when he asked me if I knew sign language. I said no...but look and started digging through my wallet. In my wallet I found a token that has dream written in Braille. I took it out and showed him. Instantly I felt like the biggest idiot. He looked at me and said, " I am deaf not blind" then looked at my friend and said...." I am deaf and she is dumb"

OH MY GOODNESS! Cannot believe I did that.

wings & roots

You have one or the other

The bartender last friday night shared that with me.

Which one do you think I have?

Kirkland Washington

Wow! Great times with an old friend. Been 5 years since I have seen Mariah but it just seems like yesterday. Not sure where I am going next or what I am thinking I want. I got a contract from NANA services to be an alternate, so could be deployed to antarctica at any moment. Which could be fun! woo hoo! and cold...brrrrrr....But once again, I am just an alternate so probably won't go.

Either way, I am very proud of myself for getting this far! This job is very hard to get and I got a contract!

So for now I am lounging in Kirkland waiting for 2PM to come so I can go on a walk down to farmers market!

And will sit in this lounge and endure the heat for the moment!

up & at 'em

Still not feeling well at all. Woke up to a Vail headache. But time to rally and move on.

Off to Seattle today!

12AM - checked into hotel in boise. Maybe i can get some sleep tonight. And hopefully my appetite will come back.

expenses

$38.00 gas

$49.00 gas

$ 1.07 sprite

$6.39 dinner

$149.00 hotel