FAME

I have a guilty pleasure of watching reality shows. All of the Real Housewives, Tori & Dean, a few on MTV, The Bachelor, and many many more. I also have a lot of time on my hands so I read gossip sites, play on facebook and follow people on twitter. I recently noticed some of the reality stars craving more and more. Some stars are begging the twitterverse for their own shows, hinting for interviews and attention from talk show hosts and magazines. And I think, how pathetic. It is one thing to be given something and embracing it and another to stoop to a level of begging. Don't get me wrong, I do believe you have to go after what you want but at what point does it get pathetic?

As a little girl, all I wanted was to go to Hollywood and be famous. I was going to be an actress. At 25, I moved to LA. It took a few years, but I finally knew the right door people, got into the right bars, lunched at the right restaurants. At one point, my friends and I were on the same club circuit as Hef and his mates. I was invited to private parties, hooked up with a well known actor, a guitar player from a canadian band, a director of a movie that did not do too well, and dated a photographer. I was in the scene. I was skinny, barely eating and always with a drink and a prescription of Clonazepam. I had my dream car a 330BMW convertible. I loved the attention I got from the boys and the men. I met someone every night I went out. One fourth of July, I was out with a group of people. We crashed 2 parties. One was Shane Blacks big 4th another was some innocent guy in Malibu just trying to have his buddies over. Looking back, I can't believe I stooped to that. But every last bit was great fun!

I would not trade those years for anything else. Did I get what I wanted? No because I was pathetic for wanting something that I could not name.

Now I write this blog, just for me. Every once in a while I will check the map and noone has been to my blog. No-one knows I started writing here again. And not going to tell anyone. I realized I can look at that map all the time and see how many visitors I have, but why does that matter? Am I writing this for other people? No, this is for me. This is my journal. Kind of like a secret treasure. I have a friend that has asked for the blog address. I have not given it to her yet. I will if she asks again but as I am embracing my life and proud of all the opportunities and experiences I have had - I also realize my life is no greater than anyone else. Why would someone care about my life? Why would I ask for attention? I have been blessed with some wonderful friends and I know they care but I would never subject them to my random thoughts. I would prefer to talk to them on the phone or in person and they all know that. I have lived a different life from the typical 30something from atlanta. I have had many unique experiences- some are just flat out unbelievable and a bit on the nutty side but this is my life. I wake up each day with nothing to worry about except myself.

I am single and rarely wonder what it would be like to be married and settled down. I think I passed that about 2 years ago and accepted that the odds of me getting married are quite low at this point. . A friend asked me the other day if I was going to marry someone that liked to travel like I do or if I was going to marry someone to settle me down. Honestly, I felt flattered that she would think someone would marry me. Part of me would like the marriage but the other part of me wonders if I could commit? I have a problem signing a lease on an apartment for over a year! A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my friend from Seattle area. We were going through our guys that we might of maybe should of held on to. And I named one or two that I should of given a chance. My grandmother likes to remind me of them often. But at the end of the day - no. no. no. It would not of worked. Unfortunately, because they have both been married and had kids. But that is not what I want. I do not want a marriage. I want an honest and loving relationship and if it turns into marriage then so be. I do not want my own kids. I have nieces and nephews that I adore and many many children in my life to love. If I have my own kids then they will be loved. But I am not going to use marriage and children to fill a void. I don't know what this void is that I have. I am searching myself and enjoying the motions.

In this journey, I have realized I have wanted many things and I have gotten most of those things. Am I better off today? maybe, maybe not? I do know that the words I write here are for me. And me only. I am not writing this for people. I am not looking for the right words or perfect saying to be quoted. I don't care if I never get a hit on the map. Because at the end of the day, it is about me. It has to be! Because if I don't have the love in me noone will ever receive true love from me. OK to be honest I probably would do a little dance if I saw someone stumbled upon my page...but i am not crushed that it is my dirty little secret right now.

Which leads me back to the beginning of this rambling. Are people just not content in their own lives that they have to scream "look here...look at me?" Reality stars...love to watch them but come on!